Why I Was Given This Life
I’ve often asked myself why Spirit—or God, or whatever name you choose—would hand me such a difficult life. This isn’t an easy question to wrestle with, and if you’ve survived sexual abuse, struggled with body insecurities, or faced personal hardships, my reflections may stir up painful memories.
I want to be clear: I don’t believe my life has been uniquely difficult. Many people face unimaginable struggles. But I can only tell my story from where I stand—what I’ve endured, what I’ve learned, and how I’ve tried to turn my pain into something useful for others.
Why Me?
I’ve wondered why my life feels like an obstacle course—why I’ve had more challenges than some people. My battles have included chronic migraines (sometimes episodic, often relentless), sexual abuse, learning to trust again, radical acceptance, and lifelong body insecurities.
When I look back, I realize these challenges have shaped me into the person I am today. At the time, it often felt like too much. But deep down, I believe God never gave me more than I could handle—even if I didn’t believe that in the moment.
My Anchor: Family and Friends
One reason I made it through was my support system. My family never gave up on me. They’ve been there in my darkest moments, lifting me when I fell. My friends, too, have been steady and loyal. Without them, I don’t know where I’d be.
Even now—fourteen years after I disclosed my abuse—I still have triggers. But thanks to seven years of therapy, I have tools to manage them.
Truffles, My Silent Healer
Another lifeline has been my dog, Truffles. She came into my life twelve years ago, and I don’t think she knows just how much she’s saved me.
Shortly after I got her, I was walking one day, feeling the pull toward suicide. I dropped her leash and told her to go home, but she wouldn’t leave me. She stayed by my side, licking my tears, as if to say, Mommy, don’t cry. I’m here.
I never told my family about that day. I was ashamed of those thoughts. But I know now that her presence kept me tethered to life.
The Weight of Homesickness
When I left for college, the hardest part wasn’t the coursework—it was being away from my parents and Truffles. During my runs to the Berkeley Marina, I’d break down halfway through, tears streaming freely. At night, I sometimes cried myself to sleep.
What got me through were visits home, calls with my brother, and the kindness of close friends. Still, I often coped in unhealthy ways. I overate to numb my emotions, to shield myself from being hurt again. I’ve lost those 40 pounds—four separate times. I wish I’d known then that there were other ways to protect myself: speaking up for what I believe in, honoring my relationships, and staying true to myself.
Learning to Let Go
Therapy has been a game-changer. It’s taught me how to release the past, accept what won’t change, and navigate family drama without falling apart. Without it, I’d still be waking up from nightmares, still drowning in self-blame, still struggling to see my worth.
Podcasting has also been part of my healing. Sharing my story publicly is a way to process the pain in a healthy, constructive way.
Choosing Strength Over Defeat
These experiences have made me who I am: a warrior. Not every day feels strong. Some storms have knocked me down hard. But I’ve always gotten back up.
Sure, I’ve wished for an easier life. But I’ve come to believe that if life were a piece of cake, I wouldn’t have learned perseverance. I wouldn’t have developed the grit that keeps me moving forward.
Your Takeaway
If you’re reading this and carrying your burdens, I hope my story encourages you to look for the lessons inside the struggle. Think about what your challenges have taught you—and how they’ve shaped the person you are becoming.
There’s courage in surviving. There’s power in deciding not to give up.
