Trying to Make a New Friend and Read Body Language or Social Cues When You Have NLD
These next few episodes will be about the challenges I and others with NLD often experience in social settings. In today’s chapter, we’ll discuss how the challenge of reading social cues can make it difficult to make friends. In “Making Friends” by Nicholas an article from the NVLD Project he says “this is my third post. I’d like to say that’s a good thing and I’m figuring it out, but writing this one left me more confused than ever. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters and a new job, so 2019 should be fun.”
According to Nicholas, it was always hard for him to make friends: “One of the most perplexing things for me about having NLD is trying to navigate the subtleties of making friends. The question of whether someone is being friendly versus trying to be my friend is something I’ve struggled with my whole life and it’s only gotten harder as the world develops a more casual, laid-back attitude toward each other. So I thought I’d write about it, (which is something people with NLD need) to help myself work through it and find some similarities between my already established friendships.”
Another difficulty Nicholas indicated in his article was his shyness, which is something I can also relate to. I too feel shy and even nervous when I’m trying to make a new friend. Most of the time I wonder if they will even like me or if I will have anything in common with them. I also often wonder if I’ll remember to know when to shut up when I’m talking. I learned that you can know when to do this by reading their body language. If someone is leaning toward me during the conversation it’s a pretty good sign that they’re still interested in what I’m saying.
If I have something in common with the person I’m talking to then it's much easier for me to talk to them. What I’ve tried to do is ask my friends more about their life so that I can learn more about them & that way the conversation isn’t focused on me so much. I also ask them for feedback on how I’m doing with social cues so I can know if I’ve improved. This helps me know if what I’m doing is working or not. Another tip that is a good thing to do is to watch tv shows that you have seen before on mute and try to only read the body language and see if you can do it accurately. You might want to do this with a neotropical so you can ask them if you are doing it correctly, that way they can help you. I’ve done this with my family, and it’s not only helpful but fun.
Also if you want more tips I would try to use your auditory strengths in conversations especially if you get nervous as Benjamin suggests in “Dating Success: Strategies for Using Your Strengths with NVLD.” This article is from the NVLD Project Benjamin Meyer is “a bilingual psychotherapist and executive functioning coach who specializes in working with young adults with NVLD, and I was inspired by my personal experience to help those I work with to transition to the professional and social demands of adult life. I believe that each person is unique and that we are more than just our labels and diagnosis.”
Another quote from the article: “remembering what others say is a positive characteristic to bring into any dating situation, and focusing on what is being said can go a long way in making a good first impression. Young adults with NVLD can use their strong verbal and memory skills as a good advantage. However, in today’s online culture, the first impressions often start before the first date. Therefore, reading up about the work or recreational interests included in someone’s profile before beginning to communicate online can go a long way toward making a good first impression.”
I think what Ben says is a good tip because it makes it easier for someone with NVLD because they get to use something that they are good at rather than try to be too focused on their weaknesses or as I like to call them differences. It is important to work on your differences so you can try to make become easier for you. And maybe one day become a strength if you keep working at who knows what you can do the world is your oyster, anything is possible if you set your mind to it.
According to the book “A Special Kind of Brain,” Jimmy didn’t know how to respond properly to this situation: “when he was in kindergarten and a classmate would begin to cry (the audible cue that a child was upset), he would respond by putting his face too close to his classmate’s face and repeatedly ask, in an unusual voice, ‘What’s wrong, What’s wrong???’”
I too was prone at times to demonstrate repetitive behavior. When I was young and I wanted something I wouldn’t ask my mom for it directly instead I would keep saying “I love you,” until she would finally ask me what I wanted. It worked every single time. I just didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted. I was probably afraid of her saying no if I came right out and asked for it. Now I find this funny and realize that I was probably afraid of her saying no if I asked her directly for it. I don’t know why I was afraid of that because she usually would say yes.
I remember that one time when I was little I wanted a giant stuffed snow leopard and I didn’t know how to ask for it so I kept saying to my mom “I love you,” until she asked me what I wanted then pointed at the leopard. And it worked! I went home with it and was one happy little girl because I had another stuffed animal to add to my ever-growing collection. I had over 400 at one point! Now I have my favorites which are only 10.
Whether it's getting better at reading the social cues of when someone is starting to become disinterested in a conversation we’re having, or getting better at asking for what I want, as someone with NLD none of this comes naturally to me. I still have to work on this. If you’re someone with NLD and can relate to these kinds of social challenges, email me at livingwithnld@gmail.com. In conclusion, I would like you to think of the challenges you experience with social cues, making friends, dating, and keeping friendships.
Links for articles:
https://nvld.org/dating-success-strategies-nvld/
