Lessons from Online and In-Person Dating
Dating has taught me a lot—sometimes through gentle lessons, but more often through the hard, messy kind. I’ve been ghosted more times than I can count, treated like I didn’t matter, and found myself stuck in relationships that drained me. And yet, I’ve also learned to identify what I truly want in a partner, and maybe more importantly, what I will no longer tolerate.
This chapter is my personal story, not a one-size-fits-all dating manual. My experiences may not be your experiences, but perhaps you’ll see yourself in some of them—or know someone who will. And maybe you’ll find something here worth holding onto as you navigate your relationships.
The Ghosting Game
Let’s start with ghosting—something that happens so often it’s practically a modern dating rite of passage. I’ve been ghosted enough times that I’ve lost count. The sting is always there, but I’ve learned to let go quickly. Dwelling on someone who has already decided to disappear only leaves me stuck in the past, and I’ve worked too hard on myself to stay there.
Knowing When There’s No Spark
Some dates are over before they begin. I’ve sat across from people and known within minutes that there would be no second meeting. The conversation was fine, polite even, but there was no connection—no spark. That doesn’t make either of us bad people; it just means we weren’t meant to fit.
Lessons from a Toxic Relationship
It took a ten-month relationship with my ex—and a full year of letting go afterward—for me to understand what I wanted in a partner. I knew what I didn’t want:
Someone who would try to change my values, beliefs, or the way I see the world
Someone who would undermine my trust in my family
Someone who would blind me with lust and tunnel vision, making me lose sight of myself
Someone who disliked their own life so much that it spilled into ours
Someone who overprotected me to the point of suffocation
Someone who would share my deeply personal experiences—about my NLD, my trauma, my health—without my permission
Someone who minimized my pain or dismissed my struggles
What I do want is almost the mirror opposite. I want a partner I can trust with everything, who’s open to deep conversations about my past, present, and future. I want to create memories together—joyful, meaningful ones—and still have the freedom to spend time with my friends without jealousy. I want someone who respects my independence, enjoys their work, and treats me the way I deserve to be treated.
The Texting Misstep
Patience is a big one for me—especially with texting. Not long ago, I overwhelmed someone I was interested in with too many messages. He told me he felt like he was neglecting me because he couldn’t respond quickly enough. I didn’t see it that way—he was working, after all—but he believed it would be a problem with anyone he dated.
Defensively, I told him maybe we shouldn’t date anymore. I regretted it almost instantly. I left him a voicemail apologizing and offering to talk in person, but he never responded. That silence hurt, but it also reminded me: relationships require not just good intentions but timing and compatibility.
What the Experts Say
In my search for understanding, I came across two articles that really spoke to my experience as a neurodivergent person dating both online and in person.
The first, Online Dating and Neurodiversity by Leslie A. Sickles, a licensed social worker on the spectrum, pointed out that while general dating safety advice—like meeting in public and not oversharing personal details—applies to everyone, neurodiverse individuals face additional challenges. These can include misreading tone in text, missing sarcasm unless it’s signaled clearly, or struggling with subtle social cues. Technology can make connection easier, but it can also heighten risks.
I relate to that deeply. I often tell potential dates upfront that I might miss sarcasm or social cues. I do this partly to prepare them—and partly to see how they respond. If they handle it well, we might meet in person. If not, I know it’s not worth pursuing.
The second article, Dating on the Spectrum: Why Knowing Yourself is Essential to Relationships by Dr. Tasha Oswald, stresses the importance of turning inward before seeking a partner. You have to know and respect yourself before you can share your life with someone else.
That advice resonated because during some of my most difficult personal times—processing trauma in high school and college—I didn’t date at all. I wasn’t ready, and forcing it would have been unfair to both me and the other person.
Practical Advice from a Friend
One friend gave me a piece of advice I now pass along: after a first date, write down how the person made you feel. Did you feel comfortable? Was the conversation balanced and engaging? Did you lose track of time? Were they present, or did they keep checking their phone? These small details can reveal a lot about whether you want to see them again.
Final Thoughts
Dating is not just about finding someone fun to spend time with—it’s about finding someone who will support you, respect you, and walk alongside you through life’s highs and lows. That’s true whether you meet them online or in person, whether you’re neurodivergent or neurotypical.
It’s not easy. I haven’t found my person yet. But I’m not giving up. Somewhere out there is someone who will meet me where I am, and I’ll meet them the same way.
Until then, I’m learning, growing, and holding onto the belief that the right relationship isn’t about perfection—it’s about connection.
