NLD and Fake Relationships
This episode is going to be re-recorded. I was trying to record it yesterday, but it didn't save, so I'm re-recording it. Have you ever experienced relationships that seemed real in the first few moments of having it and then slowly fading into fake ones? I had this experience with a couple girlfriends and my last romantic relationship, which ended last October, felt like that.
I did an episode on ghosting, which I encourage you to listen to if you want more detail on how that affects both neurodiverse and neurotypical individuals. This episode will be hard for me to record and write, but it will help me heal and process through things more so it's worth it. The most recent romantic relationship I had was a little longer than the first.
It didn't end very well though. At first, I thought it was going to be different than the first one I had, but I think it was very similar in some ways. Both felt more like a friends with benefits relationship than a true relationship as boyfriend girlfriend. The first relationship I had felt more real than this first one.
Second one, because we both said, I love you on the same night. And. Felt like we did love each other, but in the second one I was the only one who verbally expressed love. It didn't feel like he loved me. He only cared for me which isn't the same as love. If you've ever been taken advantage of by men or women You know what the difference is that I'm speaking of.
I'm glad that I did end the second relationship and didn't try to have it last longer than it should like I did with my first one. I was able to set boundaries better in this one and move more slowly than I did in the first one. The mistake I made in this relationship was thinking it could go back to feeling like a real relationship when it had already ended and been on a downhill for a while.
He wanted to take a break and still see me because he wanted the sexual relationship but not the stress of boyfriend and girlfriend. He already had too much stress from work and didn't need more. I held on to the relationship for almost two months after that. The break started because I thought it would improve and return to the great lovely relationship we both felt in the first couple months.
But it never did because his feelings for me had changed. And I ended that one because, I'll make a short story. When I had my last car accident, I was heading towards his place. And I texted him and I told him what happened, but he didn't even come to see if I was okay in person. He was just texting me back and forth, which is not the right way to handle that.
It would have been better to come and see how I was doing. And trying to, you know, check in with me and so forth. And I thought I had seen him last weekend, but it might've just been something that looked like him. But even in the moment when I thought it was him, that was kind of stressful, but at least I was out in public and he didn't see me. And, my friend was able to get me out of there pretty quickly.
The girlfriends that I've had before the pandemic that ghosted me, didn't give me any warnings, for it to end quickly. I was the one who realized it was happening. I wish that I didn't even experience those relationships, but I think they were a blessing in disguise because I learned more about the red flags of relationships than I knew before.
The first article I would like to use is titled "How Neurodivergent People Are Challenging Conventional Notions of Romance." " It is about what can be done to move away from social constructions of good relationships and move towards something that means people can thrive." By Francisca P. This was written last November. " Relationships are hard, but deconstructing what we think, we know, and building on our definitions of relationships is the passport.
It's something queer and neurodivergent people have. been doing forever. Neurodivergence is most commonly associated with neurodivergent mental conditions such as autism, spectrum disorder, or ADHD, but also depending on the researcher or expert you're speaking with can include mental illnesses, learning disabilities, and even brain injuries.
It refers to the diversity of human neurology, said counselor Maria of Downey. Specifically people who diverge from dominant societal norms. For neurodivergent people, societal norms can be harder to understand. We spend our lives mimicking and masking, trying to fit in, appearing more like an alien than a real person.
After years of torsion, you might find something. You might fit in somewhat, but you're too fatigued to live properly, let alone thrive."So I would say the article is good in terms of giving some context to how divergent people deal with societal norms and that they try to mask and mimic a lot to fit in. But if you do that too much, then you'd, you know, You aren't really getting the sense of who you truly are, and I think that's why it's hard to thrive in relationships when you do that.
The second article is titled, "Navigating Authentic Connections, Neurodivergent Struggles with Autism in Relationships." I mean friendships, by Sweet Divergence, , from August of last year. Seeing through the smoke, the bullshit radar. " Near divergent individuals possess an unkeening ability to detect disingenuous behavior, which I affectionately refer to as the bullshit radar.
Basically, we can sense, When someone isn't being honest, even if we can't fully explain why, essentially it's like having a built in authenticity detector, and it's both a blessing and a curse dismantling the facade. Unfortunately, this issue of dishonesty further exacerbates the challenges faced by neurodivergent individuals and forming meaningful connections.
Neurotypicals. Individuals often bend the truth to avoid conflict, appear more socially acceptable or protect their image. This contrast in communication style, where many neurodivergent individuals prioritize honesty and transparency, adds to a lack of trust and possesses barriers to building authentic relationships."
So for that article, it makes sense with authors talking about their BS radar, because, as I think back on when people were being dishonest or hiding the truth and relationships, I can see it better now than I did when I was in the relationship. Sometimes I remember having the feeling that they were being dishonest in the relationship, but I think I ignored it because I wanted to trust them. I wanted to. I feel like it was a meaningful relationship, obviously, but realizing I shouldn't have done that now and paying more attention to the red flags, I feel like life is a learning process and you learn as you go. It's a good thing to have those learning lessons.
So the last article I want to use is from Reddit, "all my relationships are fake. None of them mean anything to me. He used to really struggle socially, but after a lot of observation and practice, I can pretend my way through most situations. I move around a lot. And when I move somewhere new, I make friends, get a girlfriend, go out, et cetera. But I only do any of this as a sort of social camouflage. I know how to make people like me, but what's the point? When I move somewhere new, I cut all ties with the people from my old location and I feel nothing. They're not useful to me and I don't see any other reason to maintain the relationship. I don't want to be like this. I want to make connections with others. I want to experience it. What seems to be such an important part of being a person, but I can't. I'm so used to pretending I don't even know what my real self is anymore. I tried to maintain relationships after they were no longer useful. However, I get this visceral reaction. Almost like disgust because I'm getting nothing from it. I know how toxic this sounds, but I feel like I need to be honest if I ever want something to change."
So that article reminded me of how I continued both my first and second romantic relationships after they were declining because I was still in both relationships,, as friends with benefits after a break, basically, and, I shouldn't have done that. But, I'm glad that the second time I did it, it didn't, you know, last as long as the first time. It only lasted two months as opposed to five months. And, I think that's because I learned how toxic it could be from the previous one. And was trying to not repeat that. And, I think that definitely taught me how to behave differently in relationships and, hopefully that will, help you guys as well.
The ghosting episode that I did. I just want to give you a little bit of information about it. It was basically me piecing together recordings from friends, neurotypicals and neurodivergents of their experiences of ghosting and me sharing my experiences of ghosting with that and then giving commenting and feedback on my friend's experiences basically, and on mine. I really liked that episode because it was kind of fun not learning, not hearing the ghosting experiences, but it was fun putting it together and asking people to contribute. And, I enjoyed it. I wouldn't say I enjoyed listening to it because you don't enjoy listening to somebody being a ghost, but, I did, enjoy putting the episode together in terms of seeing how it came.About how it laid pretty nicely together and how I was able to make it go together and flow, I guess is what I'm trying to say. And in a couple weeks, I'll repost or I'll post the second part to last week's interview. I hope that you guys got something out of that interview. I definitely did myself and, I hope to, share more of that interview with you guys. So I hope that, uh, you get some more out of this episode and as always, I'll include the links to the articles in the description. Bye.
Links for articles:
https://www.reddit.com/r/aspergers/comments/shw8m7/all_of_my_relationships_are_fake/?rdt=36489
