Discernment of Emotions and Trying to Identify them with NLD or Because You Bottled Them Up For Awhile
Today we’ll discuss the Discernment of Emotions and Trying to Identify them with NLD. This is definitely a continuation of last week’s episode which was about body language and facial expressions and how to discern that with NLD. Here is an article from the NVLD Project that reminds me of my mom. It is titled “Expressing Your Needs and Feelings,” by Eileen who will “always think the world of my speech therapist!”
“I struggled expressing my feelings even in a small setting. For example, in speech therapy, I often had major self-esteem issues. By being there everyone would know I had a disability and what would they think? I just kept everything to myself and eventually, things became worse. I had major frustrations and became somewhat disrespectful. It was certainly foolish of me to hide my feelings as my speech therapist, who was a super caring and supportive person, would have helped me work through this if I had just brought it up; after all we were there to work on communication skills.”
This article reminds me of my mom because I know I can always rely on her to be able to help me identify why I’m crying or feeling a certain way when I don’t know why. I’ve had a hard time identifying emotions not only because of NLD but because I used to not allow myself to express them when I was being sexually abused by my cousin (please go to episode 20 for more details). I did this because I didn’t want anyone to know what was going on or once I knew that it was wrong that something bad was happening to me little did I know that my silence spoke for itself. There were times that my mom asked herself when looking at my face “is there something going on with Jennifer, is she okay?” She was right. I just didn’t know how to tell her until I was 12 years old.
I have a hard time matching emojis with emotions because I don’t know what all of them communicate or mean. I also don’t know what all facial expressions look like. I remember one of my tests for my diagnosis was having me listen to a recording of a conversation and then point to the picture of the facial expression that I thought the main person had in the audio of the conversation. This was really hard for me to do because I only had the audio to rely on and I didn't have any body language to look at. Also, the pictures of the facial expressions weren’t labeled happy, sad, angry, mad, surprised, scared, concerned, or embarrassed; they were blank so I had to guess what they were communicating. That didn’t make it any easier either.
I remember having to ask the test instructor to replay the audio more than once sometimes because I wasn’t sure what picture to point at and often saying when I pointed at one that I wasn’t sure if I was right. I’ve asked my brother to help me with knowing what the emojis mean or sometimes I google them because I don’t want to embarrass myself by asking my friend what does that mean? Maybe I’m being paranoid about that because I know I have asked my friends that do know about me having NLD what some of them mean and they’re okay with telling me. But I feel like if I asked someone who didn’t know maybe it would seem weird like “oh man she’s dumb she doesn’t know what the emoji means, OMG!” At least that’s what is going through my head right now.
Another article from the NVLD project that I can relate is titled “Adulting with NVLD,” by Mercedes who has a favorite word “Idiosyncratic is my favorite word I use to describe myself. My husband says I’m a cat. I have very little interest except for the things that I’m obsessed with, like cats, spiders, English, History, the chemistry of decomposition, sociology, Japanese, horror films, some anime, French romantic films, biology, ecology, and random facts I talk too much about that I love. I have very sensitive hearing and get startled easily. I refused to wear clothing that isn’t a natural fabric because it feels like sandpaper against my skin. I don’t like to be touched on certain parts of my body because it really hurts. I get anxious very easily and still deal with depression to this day and I still wrestle with the concept of what is normal. I can be silly, childlike at times. I still like watching cartoons and I sleep with a bunch of stuffed animals that are cats. Even my blankets have to feel a certain way against my skin. I hate wearing socks. I am married to a great guy. And one of the things that I hear most often from ignorant people is “Do you understand what sex is?” and “Are you capable of having it?” when trying to explain my disability. People think I’m an idiot savant, like Rain Man. I also hear “You’re not nonverbal; you can speak” or “It doesn’t look like you have a disability; you’re able to function so well.” This is why teaching your children self-advocacy is so important to their development and well-being, because people are idiots and I personally refuse to let these stereotypes go uncorrected. I am an odd person, yes, I came to that conclusion years ago, but I’m not a bad person and I am worthy of respect and love just like anyone else. I deserve to be treated as an equal, not less of a person. I am an artist, wife, lover, friend, and mother to a 5-year-old Calico cat named Betsy. This is who I am. It’s not perfect, nor would I want it to be. You learn from your mistakes and you adapt to the world around you. It’s stressful and it’s not always nice, but this is my world as an adult living with NLD.”
“At this point in my life, I was living at home, going to school part-time, and grieving the loss of a boyfriend. After I graduated, I dove into the world of online dating, and again, felt like I was in a foreign country with no clear road or any understanding of the culture and language. I learned one thing- I was still very innocent and way too trusting and very naive. Dating was tricky because I have a hard time reading people’s facial expressions and understanding their tone of voice. It was also a very anxious experience; the idea of going into a situation where I had no idea what was going to happen and whether or not I would be able to control my environment was nerve-racking. I learned many harsh lessons through trial and error and I learned a very, very hard truth. People lie. What people say on their profile is sometimes the complete opposite of who they are in real life, and as a result, I had many dates that ended up with me disgracing myself in a lot of one-night stands. But in my head, in a very twisted way, I felt like that was the only way people would love me at this point in my life. I had a bachelor’s degree in fine arts with nothing to show. I was working a horrible retail job and I had fallen into a deep depression which led me into a dark place with a week-long stay in a mental hospital.”
I can relate to Mercedes because I’ve had trouble with online dating also because of NLD. It’s hard for me to read facial expressions with just reading a message from the guy and also if I meet him in person it can be tricky. Because then I have to be able to tell when he’s teasing me or trying to play it cool and be a nice guy. It’s also hard for me because knowing when to trust him with private information like me having NLD and being sexually abused by my cousin (once again, please go to episode 20 for more details). Both of these make me who I am today and can often control my emotions, that’s why I need support with and around them.
But I need to know that guy won’t tell anyone about them without asking for my consent first as my ex did. This made it impossible for us to have deep meaningful conversations where I would be free to express my emotions because I didn’t know what he was going to say to his family and friends and what he wouldn’t say to them.
Yes, I’m not anonymous on this podcast. After all, I want to be vulnerable with you all because I believe the more I am the more that one can relate to it and the more it can potentially help them even if they don’t have NLD but especially if they do. So let me close with these thoughts that if one tries to comprehend their emotions by expressing freely because bottling them up doesn’t help it only makes them worse. You need to be able to express them so that when you can’t control them you can turn them off. Otherwise you might turn out to be like me, a waterfall when you cry and not knowing why you’re crying until you talk to your mom. But in reality, that’s okay too because sometimes you just need to cry and let it all out.
Whether it’s trying to read facial expressions, comprehend emojis, expressing your emotions freely, I and others who have NLD still have these difficulties today. Please feel free to share with me times when you have had difficulty with expressing your emotions, comprehending emojis, or being able to read facial expressions. You can do this by emailing me at livingwithnld@gmail.com or leaving a review on Apple Podcasts. Also, you can comment on this episode on the website livingwithnld.com. Hope that you learned something new today and enjoyed the episode. Talk to you next Friday.
Links for articles:
https://nvld.org/adulting-nvld/
