What does Ever-Changing Butterfly Mean to Me and How Being Taken Advantage of Can Change Your Life?
Today we’ll discuss me not being anonymous anymore and what my pen name, Ever-Changing Butterfly means to me. Please be aware of the topics in this episode being triggering if you or someone you know has/have experienced sexual abuse, suicide, or being taken advantage of. This one is not going to be easy for me to record so if you hear me being choked or emotional that’s why.
When I started this podcast I created the pen name Ever-Changing Butterfly because I didn’t want anyone except for people close to me to know that I was doing this. I was okay with my first name being on the podcast because Jennifer is a very common name. But I wasn’t okay with my full name, Jennifer Purcell being on it because I knew people could find me on social media if they looked. I also knew that wasn’t as private as just Jennifer.
I mean when I was in college one of my classes had five Jennifer’s including me and we spelled it the same way, so when you called on us in class you had to use our last initial. Or be very clear about which one you were speaking to otherwise all of us would turn our heads and be like “What?”
I have also loved butterflies and hummingbirds because whenever I see one I think they’re a strong animal for such a small size. Both animals can migrate miles even though they are so small. The monarch butterfly is one of the butterflies that migrate at least 3,000 miles back home.
In 2016 The Auk, a journal, provided evidence that a hummingbird can migrate 1,200 miles nonstop. So you’re probably thinking okay these are some great ladybug details but what in the world does this have to do with NLD? Well, you just mentioned one thing, ladybugs. People who have NLD tend to focus on small details rather than the big picture. Or as we like to call it in my house the ladybug and the forest.
When I was diagnosed with NLD at age 19 many lightbulbs went off in my family because now we knew why so many were challenging for me. I also knew why it was easier to love tackling challenges in college because I didn’t like it when something was too easy. If something was too easy I wouldn’t apply myself as much. I knew I could do many things because I had gotten into UC Berkeley: a university where 18% of the people that apply get accepted. Not only was I the first woman in my family to attend college but also the first to graduate from college. I did it with NLD, which is why it felt like a four-year marathon.
I’ve run a marathon so I know what it feels like to run 26.2 miles. If you ran 4 times that would be 104.8 miles. It took me 5 hours, 8 minutes, and 8 seconds to run that marathon. If I had to run 104.8 miles it could take me at least 20 hours, 24 minutes, and 24 seconds. When I ran that marathon I was doing it in Carlsbad. And learned a couple of weeks after I had run it that I won second place in my age bracket! At the time I was only 17 years old! I had trained for running the distance not for doing it in a timed period that would make me win something like that. I share this because I want people who have NLD to know that they can do sports and be good at them even though they have fine motor challenges.
I also am someone who has had many challenges in my life before I knew I had NLD. What I’m about to share with you is very private but I’m doing it because I want you to know that this can happen to someone who has NLD. After all, they are more innocent, and trusting of others than they should be, and having less life experience than neurotypicals or naive people.
When I was growing up I was sexually abused by my cousin for 6 years, from about 6 years old until I was 12. I disclosed this to my family in late August of 2008. The first person I told was my mom. I had shared it with a friend before I shared it with her but in doing so I lost that friendship because my friend didn’t respond the way a friend should have responded.
I won’t tell you all the details of the abuse because that’s not necessary. But I’ll tell you what I’ve learned because I want you to be able to know these things so you can be prepared to be a watchdog for yourself and others who have NLD. What I’m about to share with you is what happened in my family, every family is different so it may not happen the same way with yours or others.
I learned that you can’t trust the extended family members that you thought you were close to. They may betray you and your trust. Some of your family members may not believe the victim’s story especially if there is no evidence and it’s just a he said, she said case. That’s what mine was. About half of my family took the perpetrator’s side and then a quarter took mine: the victim. There was also a good amount of minimization to saying it was just show and tell rather than sexual abuse which is false it was sexual abuse. I did not consent to any of it happening.
Also if you’re like my family where you have other people that were abused than just you then you grow closer to them especially if they got the help that you’re supposed to get: therapy. I have gotten 5 years of therapy for the trauma and I’m in therapy currently for NLD and for something else that happened earlier this year. If people don’t receive or get the help they need then I think they will have a more difficult life than they would if they got the help they needed.
Here is a quote from Thich Nhat Hahn that I want to share with you that expresses what may happen to someone that doesn’t get the help they need “when another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That’s the message he is sending.”
That something that I was referring to was that I got conned by a con artist on Facebook. Again I’ll let you know what I think would be helpful but not all the details. He made me believe that he had romantic feelings for me which I found weren’t true later on. He convinced me to send him about $1,000 that he said he needed for creating his hospital which wasn’t true. I only got half of that back because after regrettably telling my parents what happened I was able to get new debit and credit cards. I also changed my phone number and email since that was how we were communicating. I blocked him on Facebook.
I was afraid of telling my parents about it because I didn’t know how they would respond other than them being mad at me. I tried to run away from home because I was so afraid to tell them but because they have an app to tell me where my phone is. I had turned the location off because I didn’t want them to know what I was doing. But they were suspicious. They were like why is she driving so long in the rain? I did eventually stop and pull over off the freeway and let them come meet me. I’m not telling you this to encourage you to do any of the same things I did. I’m telling you these things so I want you to know what my mistakes were and what I learned from them.
I did have my devices taken away for a few months because my parents couldn’t trust me with them. But I have had them back since mid-April now. I started therapy again on my birthday, early April because of this experience and it was one of the best decisions I made. Because I was naive and more trusting than I should have been, it was easier for the con artist and my cousin to take advantage of me.
I also learned that several red flags or warnings should have alarmed me about him being a con artist.
Him using broken English.
Asking for money nonstop.
Being very religious with communication.
Questioning things he would tell me.
He has more than one name/identity.
Having me use my info to get money.
Convincing me that he had romantic feelings for me.
Having me do things that I didn’t feel comfortable doing.
He used pictures that were not of him but someone else when we communicated.
Convincing me to think that he was using the money for a good cause.
Telling me where he lived was also false because his area code was for Pakistan, not California.
The dating app Hinge has some red flags for online safety that I would like to include too:
“Never Send Money or Share Financial Information
Protect Your Personal Information
Stay on the Platform
Be Wary of Long Distance and Overseas Relationships
Report All Suspicious and Offensive Behavior”
I will include the link for this in the description of the episode
I’m telling you things because I want you to be aware of what can happen to someone who isn’t careful when they are using the internet so please be extremely careful when you do use it. I don’t think I can express enough how careful you need to be. I also have an emotional support dog that I’ve had for 10 years because of disclosing to my family my sexual abuse. My dog has made it easier for me to be happier in my life because there have been times when I had thought about suicide.
I have never planned anything but because there’s no off switch for NLD. And because some of the challenges can be difficult to overcome, sometimes it’s really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I do try to remind myself that there is the light because if I don’t then I get discouraged. Again I share this not to encourage you to do this but to let you know that it can happen and I want you to learn from my experiences/mistakes. I also want you to know that if you have gone through any I have that you’re not alone.
I shouldn’t have been afraid of sharing the con artist experience with my parents and brother because they have been extremely supportive of me and have been my rock. If you have a family like this you should listen to the song “Stand By You” By Rachel Platten. All these experiences have made me who I am today and emotionally strong. I can tackle any challenge that NLD throws at me and I don’t give up easily.
I’ve had to lose about 40 lbs 4 times in my life because of eating to absorb emotions and not being able to release my emotions the healthy way. The healthy way is not bottling them up, but to let yourself express that emotion whether it’s positive or negative whenever you need to and for as long as needed. I have been expressing my emotions better since I disclosed to my family about my sexual abuse and sometimes I can’t control them especially when I need to cry. So I let myself cry until it seems to be enough and I can stop or control it, this is not always easy.
Please listen to Titanium” by Madilyn Bailey, “Skyscraper” by Demi Lavato, “Survivors” by LoCash, “Victorious” by Lina Hedlund, “This Is Me” from The Greatest Showman, and “Warrior” by Demi Lavato. All of those songs talk about strong people and the characteristics that they have because of the experiences they went through.
I want you to know this because it is healthy to express emotions when needed because if you keep them bottled up inside too long when you finally release them they usually are more powerful than they were at the beginning. I’ve learned a lot from someone who is only 24 years old. I feel like I’m very mature for my age because of the life experiences I have.
"When something bad happens you have three choices. You can let it define you. Or let it destroy. Or let it strengthen you." Unknown I decided to not let any of these bad things define or destroy me but to strengthen me and change the person I was for the better. So please feel free to reach out to me if you want to tell me about any life experiences that you have gone through and are comfortable sharing with me. You can email me at livingwithnld@gmail.com. So whether it’s NLD, sexual abuse, being taken advantage of, or being conned by a con artist I and others who have still had to deal with these challenges today.
