Relationships & Neurodivergence: Endings
Welcome to Living With An Invisible Learning Challenge, where we will discuss and discover the challenges and tribes of those living with NLD, nonverbal Learning Disability and other learning challenges such as autism, ADHD, dyslexia, dysgraphia, and any other invisible learning differences that one may live, may one may live with.
I like to interview individuals as well who live with various learning challenges. So if you know anybody, please point me their way, or if you are that individual, I would love to interview you on various topics. So please let me know and I welcome you to this podcast.
So today's episode will be on relationships and specifically on the ending of relationships and how those are for neurodivergence. So, the first article I'm going to read is titled Failed Relationships and Neurodivergence by Christie Forbes, written in September of 2021. Sometimes we have this history of trauma behind that, and that can actually really be hard for us to go into new relationships with when we have fears and phobias and sometimes rational anxiety about.
The same thing is happening again. So something that happens with autistic folks like myself is, you know, we often are very loyal and very enthusiastic in our friendships or relationships. And for me, I have such an intense depth and range of emotions and emotional experience and thinking and analyzing my feelings consumes me in a good way.
So when I say I love someone, I really love someone. When I'm hurt, I'm really hurt, but I've had to learn throughout my life to not jump in really, really quickly and to just, you know, be a cool man, be cool. It doesn't come naturally to me at all.
So this article explores the complexities of relationships and friendships for neurodivergent individuals, particularly those with autism, ADHD, and pathological demand avoidance, PDA. Christie Forbes shares personal experiences and insights on why relationships may fail, emphasizing the challenges of trauma, rejection, sensitivity, and differing communication styles.
She discusses how neurodivergent people often experience deep loyalty and intense emotions and relationships making breakups or ghosting, especially painful. The difficulty of de. Distinguishing between intuition and trauma plays a role and trust issues as past relation, as past rejections can lead to heightened fear and new relationships.
Forbes also highlights the importance of radical acceptance, acknowledging that not. All relationships are forever practicing self-compassion and understanding that not everyone is capable of open communication. She encourages neurodivergent individuals to find spaces where they feel safe and valued.
Rather than forcing themselves to conform to neurotypical friendship standards, my brain automatically scans for all the things that could go wrong. I've learned that. It's what my brain does, and that's okay, but I don't have to buy into it. Neurodivergent individuals often struggle with trust due to a heightened, threatened response.
So my thoughts about that quote, I used to do this too, but don't much anymore because it doesn't really help me or anyone else. I do struggle with stress because of the childhood trauma and family traumas I've experienced, but that always is going to be part of my life, unfortunately. But. A good thing to note is that it doesn't have the same strength or weight on me as it used to.
And I think that's a good thing. And, I'm doing this episode because recently, I. Was dating someone and I was dating them for about a month and then they decided to end things because they were looking for jobs outside of the state. And, I knew things were gonna end eventually, but. I was kind of hurt by how they ended it because they decided to do it over text, not in person.
And I'm doing this episode, not to spite that person, but just to kind of share about my feelings and how it affects Neurodivergence because. It did hurt me that he did it over text and not in person because I deserve that. Or he didn't even do it over the phone. And it's like, you know, he reached out a week later to try to, he wanted to make things right in quotes and wanted to meet up and have dinner, and it's like.
No, I'm gonna again, give you that satisfaction of doing that. Dude. It's, it's not right and it's not, you should have done that in the first place and it's not gonna make a difference. And it's like there were other things that we talked about that I don't really need to discuss here, but it was like for me .
One of the things that I asked him later on with that text that I should have asked earlier was like, why did you even have a dating profile when you knew things were gonna end quickly? And I think I should have asked that in the beginning to kind of protect myself because that would've been better.
But I didn't ask because I didn't know things were gonna go as well as they did. And, we can, we became pretty close over a month and, you know, we went on probably. I date every weekend. And like I said, I am not doing this out of spite for that person, but I'm trying to share with you my experiences and what I've learned from them.
And I hope that you can learn from them too in some way. And that, you don't have to have experiences I've had. Not everybody has the ability to communicate. Not everybody feels safe to communicate. Honestly. Some relationships fail because of differences in communication styles, not necessarily personal feelings.
So my thoughts about that, I don't always feel comfortable with communicating honestly in the beginning of relationships, but once I get to know the person better, I'm better at it because I know that's how I would want to be treated by others. " When I don't know why somebody doesn't want to be my friend anymore, I internalize that it is about me.
Unexplained endings like ghosting can lead to deep self-doubt and overanalyzing my thoughts about this. Yes, ghosting can often lead to self-doubt because you don't always know why they ended the relationship or the whole picture, but you got to remember that it is probably more about them than you, and that's, it is more about them than you and their, that is their loss, not yours. Sorry if that was worded poorly, I try to learn that not all relationships are forever. I am grateful for the relationships I have had, but I don't have to beat myself up on myself over that." Accepting the impermanence of some connections can help with healing and moving forward.
My thoughts about this quote? Yes, that's very true too. Good to remind yourself of the impermanence because then you hopefully won't get too attached. I had a recent experience with this earlier this year, like I said before. And I didn't expect him to end it over a text and after only a month, and just so you know, when something like that happens for me and the person doesn't really stop texting or being persistent and wanting to meet up and make things right, I tend to kind of back off and just. It's not the most kind thing to do, but I block the person and I block them in any way I can because it's like I'm protecting myself. And I am trying to make sure that I, before I go into that, I thought I would address that this election is going to be very important and I am not telling you how to vote.
I'm just encouraging you to vote. If you are 18 years old or older, I encourage you to vote and to do a lot of research so that you are informed on what you're voting on and what you are able to do. I guess do well with the voting process and be informed on it. And I am also an ambassador for the NVLD project.
And then the NVLD project is trying to get the NVLD back on the DSM, which is a manual for, mentally, at learning. Disabilities and it helps, people get accommodations in school and in life by defining what the disability is and how it affects you in life. And, by showing examples and evidence of it and by giving a clear definition of it.
So, that's what the DSM is and they're trying to get NLD back in there and. In order to do that, they renamed NVLD to, visual Spatial Disorder, sorry, developmental, visual spatial disorder. I always forget the D. My hope is that when they do that, they will list all the symptoms because, nonverbal wasn't a very good name for it either, but neither is developmental to Visual Spatial Disorder because it's not just developmental and visual spatial. It's also social, which nonverbal doesn't have either. So it's like mine. My name that I've kind of developed for it, which I'm not sure if it's very good either, is Invisible Learning Spectrum Disorder. But. I don't know. That's very good either. So anyways, did, oh, and this podcast is also supported by, Patreon and Spotify and Better Help. So, Better Help is a therapy company that does therapy online and remotely. I have not used better help, but I know they're very good and I have been in therapy for more than eight years, I think eight and a half. I'm not doing it currently, but I was doing it last year and it was very helpful for me when I was doing it online and, remotely. It was very helpful for me. It was able to change a lot of things in my life and, make, make my life better.
If you want a discount for better help, I'll include the link for that. And, Patreon is a way for me to give you the episodes without any ads like I'm doing right now. And, I give you access to transcripts as well and to the episodes without any at. So if you want that, it's either $5 for the.
Episode without any ads or $10 with the transcript. I know that might seem like a lot of money, but I'm not really making it, not doing it for the money. I'm trying to do it so I can donate the money to the NVLD project or so I can do it to pay back on my website subscription fee. So, if you're willing to do that, please do.
I will get the link for that as well in the description. And, I also have podcast swag. I will get the link for that as well. T-shirts and water bottles and tote bags and, other, pretty cool stuff. So I will get the link for that as well. Won't get heard and that. That person can't contact me anymore, and then I kind of wait and see what happens because sometimes I think, oh, are they gonna try to contact me in another way?
Are they gonna make another phone number or another email, or another social media profile or whatever? And nobody has, which is good because they shouldn't. They should move on and they should let you move on, which is healthy. But some people may do that and make another profile and try to reach out to you again.
And if they do that, then they're a con artist or a stalker, and that's where it gets really bad. So that's also why I wanted to do this episode because it's very tricky. A relationship ends. You have to grieve. You have to cope with it. You have to be able to get through it, whatever it is, whether it's romantic friendship or a loved one in the family dying, whatever, it doesn't matter.
And get some water. And if I sound very monotone today, it's because I've been dealing with it raining here in San Diego pretty much all week, so my head is hurting a lot. So I didn't even think I was gonna record an episode today, but I decided to do it 'cause I wanted to. So, the next article is titled "Being Me Again and My Neurodiverse Relationship" by Natalie.
I know this is not from a friend who you've heard me had on my podcast before. It's different, Natalie, just so you don't get confused. " First published in 2019 revised in 2021 previous references to Asperger syndrome change to reflect allyship with the autistic community and new. Information and perspectives about the work of Hans Asperger.
I respect the continued use of this language for anyone else. Indeed, it's still used by my family members as it was their doorway to this aspect of their identity. My story includes. Extracts from my journal in italics between December, 2014 and May, 2018 and a 2023 update at the end. Quote, Natalie Roberts shares her personal journey of rediscovering herself with a neurodiverse marriage after her husband, Pete's late autism diagnosis.
She grappled with it. Feelings of isolation and the challenges of Cassandra syndrome. A condition arising from a lack of emotional reciprocity, sorry, that's hard to say, and social isolation and such. Relationships Through self reflection and commitment to personal growth, Natalie transformed her relationship dynamics leading to mutual understanding and support. Here are the three insight quotes from her narrative quote. I've arrived in a place called Hopeless and it's a very physical experience. Two, I have to find my needs, my preferences, my views. Three, I'm me. And today I also see that I can be me with you, and I don't want you to have to be anything other than yourself either."
So my thoughts about these quotes, I can relate to these three quotes because I know what it's like to be hopeless from migraines and having to find me and my needs and self-care too. I also realized that all I want to do is to be myself because that's what I deserve, and so do others. Some reminders.
So if the going gets tough, I remember why I have to find another way once. Us to share the same space, but not really do or be together. Feeling like I'm walking on eggshells all the time and scared to make changes, crushing my own sanity. Don't know my own preferences anymore. I haven't cried for more than 10 years.
That was also from the article. And, my thoughts about these quotes, I often feel like I'm walking on eggshells because of the migraines I get, which I can, which I call Voldermort. From the Harry Potter series and sometimes I say, get the hell out of Voldemort, or get the hell out of your Voldemort and don't come back.
I also question my own sanity because it often feels like I'm sick and quotes from the migraines and always being con, constantly exhausted and debilitated by them. But that's something I've gotten used to over the years out of necessity and needing to realize that I need to put my needs for sometimes and ask for help from others.
I do know my own preferences, but sometimes they are put to the side for a bit when others need me more than myself. And I don't cry often because I know. That only exasperates things and doesn't help fold a mort or anyone else. The last article is titled "The Four Pro Process Neurodiverse Couples Need To Know" by Lori Lon Morris, who has an LMFT, and this one is from January of 2023.
"Lori, the Lawn Wars, A certified Neurodiverse couples therapist outlines a four part process to help neurodiverse couples strengthen their relationships. This approach emphasizes building connection and finding creative solutions through awareness, conversation, and cooperation. Here are three insight quotes from the article. I found there are four areas of awareness, conversation, and cooperation that really help partners build connections and discover creative solutions. Two, accurate map making in your. Neurodiverse relationships involve understanding each other's perspectives and experiences. Three. Twice. Compassion is key to this process.
It consists of one part self-compassion and one part partner. Compassion. These quotes highlight the importance of mutual understanding and compassion and neurodiverse relationships in her article. Lori Lon Morris. Excuse me, identifies four key areas that foster connection and collaboration in neurodiverse relationships. Excuse me. One Chores addressing household responsibilities to ensure a balanced partnership. Two. Communication. Developing effective ways to express thoughts and feelings. Three. Connection. Building emotional bonds and understanding between partners for creativity, finding innovative solutions to unique challenges within the relationship.
These areas of awareness, conversation, and cooperation can help partners strengthen their bond and navigate the complexities of the neurodiverse relationships." So my thoughts about that and those quotes, the chores, communication and creativity makes sense to me because I know that they are important and sometimes essential to things running smoothly for others, connection is important because sometimes we forget to do that often, and then it's hard to do it after a break, so to speak.
Creativity helps us remember the child inside of us all. And communication is key because without that there is no relationship. The same can be set of trust.
So I'm gonna wrap up here. Neuro diverted individuals often experience relationships with deep intenses. Sorry, lemme start over.
Neurodivergent individuals often experience relationships with deep intensity. Making breakups particularly challenging. Christie Forbes explores how trauma, rejection, sensitivity, and communication differences contribute to relationship struggles, emphasizing the importance of self-compassion and acceptance of impermanence.
Natalie Roberts shares her journey in a diverse marriage, sorry. Highlighting the isolation that can arise from emotional disconnects and the importance of rediscovering personal identity. Lori Bud Lon Morris outlines a four-part framework, tours, communication, connection, and creativity.
Fosters stronger relationships through awareness and cooperation. These perspectives underscore the complexities of the neurodiverse relationships and the need for mutual understanding, adaptability, and emotional resilience. I hope that episode was helpful for you. I know it was a little bit of a long one, but I wanted to share that with you.
I will talk to you next week. Have a good one. I hope that episode was well worth it for you to listen to and that you were able to take something away from it, even if you don't have a learning challenge or if you do, I hope it was extra worthwhile for you so that you are able to learn something and maybe journal and jot down some few takeaways so that.
The next time you experience that challenge yourself, you're able to, learn how to breathe through it more easily or maybe not have a meltdown or a tantrum, or be able to take away more learning from it and not make the same mistake twice, you know, and, be able to. Also help somebody else go through that experience if you have a friend who has a learning difference and you are neurotypical. So I hope you will be able to have those experiences in your life. Now that you have listened to this episode.
